I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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