All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
