if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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