I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
