I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
