The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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