Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Floor bacon is actually really good
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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