I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
this hospital has no fireball
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
