she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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