Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
