Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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