I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
