he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
