So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
COCAINE IS GR8
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
