i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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