what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
