I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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