But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
