So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
