Your dad touched me again.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
