i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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