I intend to get homeless drunk
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
