I can feel you judging me through the phone.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
