Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
