I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
