your thong is hanging out like whoa
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
