I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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