I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
