I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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