Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
