One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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