my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
