Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
