All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
