I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
