WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
