Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
