I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
