he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
