I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
