who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
