i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It's blow job season.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
