oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
