Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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