you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
