I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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