He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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