Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Randomize
