I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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