all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
