I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
