Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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