Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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